


For Her

by rainy_fangirl



Series: Affairs of the Heart [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F, Inspired by Real Events, POV Second Person, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, bisexual main characters, really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-10 05:52:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12905478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainy_fangirl/pseuds/rainy_fangirl
Summary: She isn’t a good girl to love, she isn’t an easy girl to love, but here you are, lying across from her on the couch in the early hours and wondering what it would be like to kiss her.





	For Her

She isn’t a good girl to love, she isn’t an easy girl to love, but here you are, lying across from her on the couch in the early hours and wondering what it would be like to kiss her. You think back to that early December day with the snow falling around her, when she asked you to be her girlfriend. You should have said no, really, there had been others then, she had been your best friend, and you were still hung up on a boy who wished you’d leave him alone. It had been nothing much, hand-holding, a quick kiss you relive every night. All the markers of puppy-love from teenagers who don’t know what they’re doing.

She was a shittier girlfriend than she was friend, which was saying something. And yet, here you are again, wondering if she’d let you try again. She’ll cheat on you, you tell yourself. She already has, you think about the way she touched those boys when she thought you weren’t looking. You’re not her type, and she’s not yours, but love is love, no matter which way you play it. While she prefers sporty, skinny, long-haired models who have their own makeup brands and clothing lines, you want warm, bitter girls who would talk to you for hours about their passions and smile at you in a way that makes you feel invincible.

She doesn’t know your birthday, you know her whole family’s by heart. You can go weeks without speaking to her, touch-starved and sad. She doesn’t need you anymore, or so she lets on. You only speak when your mother misses her, and tells you to invite her over. She spends half the time on her phone, and you can’t help but feel empty when she laughs, smiles for someone who isn’t you. She gives you empty promises, you give her some in return, it’s all very self-destructive. It’s only a matter of time till she stops responding to your occasional texts. She never has the time to see you, and when she does, you’re so tired of waiting for her that you regret ever agreeing to go. You talk to walls, she builds them. One time, you had the courage to ask what you did, she didn’t give you a real answer. You smile through it, liking the pictures online of her with prettier girls than you. You pretend to be interested in what she bought when she planned a trip to the mall with them and left you out. She drinks, smokes, sleeps with older men, you stay home and listen to musicals. She posts nasty snapchats of herself at disgusting parties, videos of the girls you grew up with throwing up on the floor after too much beer. You work at the library. She’s going to Rio this summer with her new friends, you remember the three weeks you spent together last year in Europe. This year, she goes to prom and homecoming and all the afterparties without you, last year, you both stayed home and ate pizza, watching rom-coms and drinking badly made coffee at four am. Last year, you let her drag you to an anime convention. These days, you’re quiet, taking in boys so you’ll feel less alone without her. The boys break your heart, she breaks everyone’s hearts, you stay home on the weekends and write fanfiction.

It’s for her, you tell yourself in the morning, while you sip tea in a corner while she does her makeup and kisses other girls behind closed doors. There are other girls, other boys, too, but there’s only one her. You’re sad, determined. You want her to be happy, and she wasn’t happy with you, she’s made that abundantly clear. Jason Mraz was wrong, you think, staring at the same pages of the same book you’ve been trying to read for hours, her on your brain. Nobody’s lucky to be in love with their best friend, it’s a shitty thing to happen, perhaps the worst. Being hung up on boys who don’t know your name was one thing, the girl who’s supposed to know your soul is another. So you sit back, braced in cold hostility and watch her leave you, one day at a time. Some days are better than others, when you can put her away, out of your mind completely, but then....

Then you taste caramel, or hear a Catfish and the Bottlemen song, or some boy from a past life asks if you're still together when really you've fallen apart so many times...

You'll let it go, pretend, forget; whatever you need to do.


End file.
